In Her Words
by OhGreat
Summary: Hinamori wonders how Matsumoto's chest got that big. Really.


_In Her Words_

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One-Shot Character Analysis

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Hinamori stands at five foot two and blames her legs for not being an unfinished sentence. But she's taller than Toshiro, that much is true, and for now she's okay with her stocky calves and short torso. She's fine with her crooked toes, her juvenile eyes, and even her are-you-a-boy chest, which she is convinced will never, ever grow.

She's positive its confidence that makes you sexy, because men don't pluck shrinking, squeaky violets with inferiority complexes. So she waits for the confidence, waits for the sex-appeal, but only one arrives, and you can guess which one that is. She's supposed to be a woman, but she swears she has and always will look just under fifteen. But at least she looks older than Toshiro. Which she is. Or at least she tries to convince herself she is.

But then the white-haired personification of irritability gets _promoted_ and now he's captain, and how did that happen? Hinamori is sure she entered the Academy first, she graduated first, and she. is. older. In a profession where age and power correlate, Toshiro makes absolutely no sense. She thinks for only a second that he didn't follow the rules.

Now Toshiro isn't Toshiro, he's Captain _Hitsugaya_, and everyone can keep to it but her. After the fourth year she still can't get it straight, and it's not cute anymore, it's disrespectful and all that hoopla, so she tries harder. Hitsugaya is a sharp, hard name, but her tongue obeys it eventually, and now he's Hitsugaya, Hitsugaya, Hitsugaya. The captain part can come later.

Yet Hitsugaya as a captain somehow trumps the age card. He isn't her inferior anymore, not that she ever thought of him as such, but suddenly the idea of hierarchy isn't so conceptual. He's her superior now, which means she's the subordinate, and god, it kind of sucks. She's older _and_ taller, she graduated first, doesn't that mean anything? The rules of childhood shout yes. Unfortunately military regulations have a louder voice.

Of course, she's a vice-captain. The ultimate second-in-command. Take that, Toshiro! Oh, _damn_. Captain Hitsugaya. When did she get left behind?

Granny would be proud of them both, she knows. Granny, before she died, was a quiet, sincere woman, but her silence showed a kind of will power and unspoken motivation that only the weak lacked. She never seemed to age, and Hinamori was convinced Granny had never been young. She was forever an old woman with a penchant for grandkids and their orphaned friends.

She used to say that if you're happy, you're doing just fine.

But even now, Granny's words grow farther away like a receding shadow. Hinamori can't quite remember why she isn't the prodigy or what makes her special. She looks at Hitsugaya, and she can see potential. She sees more than just a little boy, more than just a captain. She sees a champion.

She's not a champion, but she's okay with herself. She's not exaggerated in anyway: she's average, and somewhere along the road she decided it's alright.

Well, it _was_ alright.

It is two days ago when being plain and unaccomplished stops being acceptable and starts being irritating. Two days ago, she doubled her rank, she made vice-captain, and her circle of friends aren't the other fourth seats anymore—no, she's with the VCs now, she's _up there_.

She knows the personified walking computer Nanao, and the insecure, awkward Isane; she knows Kira and Hisagi, her classmates, and somewhere in there she unenthusiastically remembers that bouncy, generally sadistic pinked-haired child. She knows to stay away from her.

The others are a vague flash of military protocol, and she barely knows their names.

It isn't until she's in Hitsugaya's office that she really gets a good look. A _microscopic_, Too Much Information good look that triggers the wheel of her inevitable inferiority complex. Because Hinamori sees _her_, and suddenly all the rumors, all the gossip, are true. No one had lied, there were no exaggerations. She is the real deal, and it is almost ridiculous.

Rangiku Matsumoto is not proportional. It's stupid, but when Hinamori sees Matsumoto for the first time, her mind screams disproportion. Because there is no possible, relatively human way anyone could walk with a chest like that. No, you don't understand, it's like she planted seeds just below her collar bone, watered twice a day, and out popped these, these _watermelons. _And like the rest of the world, all Hinamori can do is stare and judge and stare.

When Matsumoto notices her one-person audience, she winks and says, "You like 'em?"

Hinamori nearly dies, stutters something unintelligible, and leaves as quickly as her limited shunpo abilities will allow her.

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Before, Hinamori always managed to avoid Rangiku Matsumoto out of mere rank differences, but they are, unbelievably, equals now, and it's becoming harder to evade Matsumoto's company. It's also harder to look in the mirror.

Matsumoto's…assets are still something out of a fairy tale, or a men's magazine, but they have turned habitual, and now all Hinamori can do is wonder why her own chest doesn't even look like a fourth of Matsumoto's. Even a _sixteenth_ of hers. When had Hinamori stopped growing, and why wasn't she made aware of this? Her body, the little traitor, can't even give her some hips? By the end of the week, she is feeling rather ripped off.

Matsumoto is everything she isn't. She's tall, beautiful, desired. Disproportional in all the right places. Funny. Free-spirited. The adjectives can last forever. Hinamori, in a very stark contrast, is not tall, beautiful, or desired. She's short, pasty, and boring. Her kneecaps are disproportional, but that is _not_ the same thing. And never in the history of ever has anyone wanted her. Romantically, she means.

She tries to ignore Matsumoto's perfection, but everyday it gets a little harder. Frustratingly hard.

One day she's leaving Hitsugaya's office when she runs into Matsumoto. It's too late, she can't get out of it, and now Matsumoto is leaning over her with those balloons.

"Hey, Hinamori, you wanna go drinking with me?" Matsumoto asks, and she's so cheerful and relaxed that Hinamori almost says yes. But then she remembers.

"Oh, I'm really sorry, but I don't drink," Hinamori announces pathetically, her hands wound nervously together.

Matsumoto's left eyebrow is raised, and Hinamori suddenly feels like she's being scrutinized under a spot light. God, if she had gone to high school _this_ would have undoubtedly been her life.

But Matsumoto, unperturbed, waves her off and says, "Huh, that's okay. You look too young, anyway."

_Young_?

Hinamori hates her. That's it. No need for explanation. She just hates her.

Somewhere in the abyss of her brain, her conscience scolds her for rash judgments and poor self-esteem, but all Hinamori can think of is watermelons.

She watches Matsumoto leave, and she has to bottle the urge to scream, "I said I don't, not can't!"

Matsumoto is gone now, and Hinamori sincerely tackles the idea of getting wasted right then, just to prove she can. She fumes, and then remembers why she abstains in the first place. Captain Aizen, her current reason for living, doesn't drink. If he can do it, so can she.

In fact, nowadays Captain Aizen is the only reason she doesn't seem to lose her temper.

Matsumoto may be a goddess-divine, but she doesn't have Captain Aizen, and somehow that mollifies Hinamori. In fact, Aizen is one of the few men impermeable to Matsumoto's intoxicating charm and dazzled good looks. Because in Hinamori's head, Captain Aizen doesn't want an airheaded bimbo of a blonde for a life-long partner. No, he wants a short, kind of cute vice-captain. Yeah, that's right.

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Over the next few months, she starts to assume things about this Rangiku Matsumoto.

She doesn't mean to, but Matsumoto and all her anatomically incorrect parts are starting to really bother her. Any chance of ever feeling confident or sexy has entirely evaporated, and now all Hinamori can see is a stick figure with zero attractive qualities.

It's just that Matsumoto is so unbelievable.

Her breasts nearly spill out of her uniform—besides being obnoxious, mocking, and rude, it breaks dress code etiquette, and quite frankly, it's rather degrading. Apart from the normative sneer ala Soi Fong, no one's even tried to stop her.

Unintentionally Hinamori connects Matsumoto's attire with her attitude, and now Matsumoto's not only a tease, she's a slut, and by the end of the month Hinamori is sure she's slept with every testosterone-infused shinigami in the Gotei-13. It isn't unreasonable: any guy in Matsumoto's twenty-mile radius goes brain dead. And she's single, she's available, she's exposed. What would stop her?

Hinamori's suspicions are only confirmed over the next few weeks.

She's running late, makes a quick turn, and _bam_.

It's Matsumoto, it's Captain Ichimaru, and their mouths unite in a succession of deep kisses, their hands entwined tight in the other's hakama with an unheard of passion.

Hinamori's first instinct is to run, but she feels kind of like throwing up.

In takes her an uncomfortably long time to snap back into reality before she leaves in a quick flash step, hurtling in the opposite direction with wide eyes and a pale face.

That's it. Matsumoto is screwing every captain in the Seireitei. If she goes for Ichimaru, the most sadistic, untouchable _thing_ ever, then the rest of the captains are just another slice of the pie to her. Or maybe Matsumoto's standards just aren't very high. Either way, Hinamori spends the rest of the day trying to wipe the picture from her violated memory.

Unfortunately about three more similar incidents happen.

Up until then, Hinamori's poor, chaste mind was used to long strolls on the beach, holding hands, caught in the other's gaze like the world wasn't there. At least that's what Aizen did in her daydreams. Needless to say, Matsumoto thoroughly redefined Hinamori's perception of romance, or at least appropriate public displays of affection. Although equally mortified each time, Hinamori can't help but notice it's always Ichimaru. Where are the other captains?

Then she starts to make note of it more. It's tiny, but it's there.

The Ichimaru-Matsumoto dynamic, though absolutely disgusting in every sense of the word, is more authentic than Hinamori first realizes, and as time passes, the evidence shows up. She starts to notice the small things that the oblivious, or at least the military staff, tend to miss.

When Ichimaru and Matsumoto walk together, they walk close, like the truest, most secret lovers, but they never go beyond a thoughtful stare in public. When Matsumoto looks at him, it is a look of contemplation, a studied air, and Hinamori swears Matsumoto watches no captain the same way she watches Ichimaru.

But more importantly, Ichimaru looks _back_. And when he looks back, those eyes, the same ones that have never shown affection, loosen their tight grip, and he seems relieved.

It's love.

They love each other.

It's only later that Hinamori realizes, well, Matsumoto's actually rather…monogamous.

And maybe that's a little admirable.

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It's a Sunday at noon, and Hinamori takes a break from her inferiority complex to revisit old friends. Renji, Hisagi, and Kira look exactly the same as their adolescent years, but now they have the muscle to back up all their hot air. Hinamori doesn't mind being the only girl, though she knows she once wasn't. Renji knows that, too.

They talk, laugh, and eat, but Hinamori's brain takes up aerobics and wanders off. It lasts only a few moments before she's yanked back into the present conversation as Hisagi says "Rangiku".

Renji mutters something about a first-name basis, Hisagi gloats, saying "Ya jealous, man?" and they enter a battle of dimwittedness, leaving Kira and Hinamori to watch.

Hinamori's stupidity quota had been met earlier in the week, so she turns to Kira and smiles. "Are you sure you don't want to get in on the action now?"

Kira assures her that he's perfectly fine watching. Hinamori sighs, and Kira kindly says, "I think Vice-Captain Matsumoto is spoken for." In the worlds of Renji and Hisagi, especially Hisagi, war has just been declared.

Hinamori, surprised, looks over at Kira and vaguely wonders how he knew. As ostentatious and unabashed as Matsumoto is, her relationship with Ichimaru is not public. She thinks for a moment and then mentally face-palms. Kira would have known before anyone. He's Ichimaru's right hand.

Renji and Hisagi start up again; it's still about the superficial. Hinamori sighs a second time.

"She's a goddess," Hisagi drools, and Hinamori wants to remind him that they are all gods, in one form or the other, but she doesn't for fear of sounding like the mother hen.

They get halfway into their conversation before Hinamori starts to feel peeved. The guys pause momentarily, and Hinamori takes her shot.

"Hey, can I ask you guys something?"

Kira, encouraging as always, nods. "Of course."

Hinamori takes a deep breath, straightens her posture, and with all seriousness, asks, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

She knows she shouldn't have asked that.

It takes two days before the echoes of Renji's and Hisagi's sidesplitting laughter disappear completely.

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It's on the six-month anniversary of her promotion that Hinamori discovers Matsumoto: Part B.

If hollows had a mating season, this would be it. They're everywhere, they're in pairs, and they seem to be exponentially spreading. It's overwhelming, but Hinamori didn't get her title by sitting on the sidelines braiding hair. She releases her sword in a whirlwind of fuchsia and anger, setting forth her kido skills and terrifying any brainless hollow that dare cross her path.

There's blood on the right side of her face, dripping down her brow like sweat. Hitsugaya glances over and tells her she can pull back.

"Thank you, but I'm fine," Hinamori replies, readying her sword.

Captain Aizen stands a few feet ahead, but unlike his vice-captain, he's taking the attack with a third of the force, and for the most part, looks completely untouched. He barely moves his zanpakuto, and the group of hollows roaring before him vanishes into nothing. He looks over his shoulder and says to Hinamori, "That's a nasty cut," and before Hinamori can object, Aizen uses his best known tactic: the command and compliment combo. "You should attend to it; we need you for the entire fight."

Well, when he puts it _that_ way…

Hinamori gives a curt nod and pushes back from the line of armed shinigami, rushing through the sky and landing in a temporary Squad Four medical unit.

On cue, hands probe every appendage, but mostly her forehead, yanking back the bangs of her hair and slopping a disgusting gel across her temples. The cut is large and the sting proves it, but the fire dies down as a large piece of gauze covers the wound. The entire process is very much like an assembly line building a truck, except it is Hinamori and her forehead.

The Division Four soldiers sprint off in a series of colorful directions, assuming she's fine. Hinamori mirrors their motions and leaves the unit for the direction of her squad, but the battle field is now a mix of Ten and Five. She scans the perimeter, and as luck would have it, she finds Matsumoto first, and what she sees is not short of amazing.

When Matsumoto fights, it is not like the dance Hinamori always thought it would be. Instead, it's a blend of speed, precision, and undeniable focus that minimizes Matsumoto's carefree spirit and flashy clothes and transforms her into a truly terrifying warrior. She holds her sword with the technique of a soldier much older than Hinamori, and she releases her zanpakuto with a simultaneous dose of care and patience. When she moves, her expression hardens, her lips tighten, and the ferocity of her eyes is the last thing you'll ever see.

The hollows that surround her are virtually no match; they fall to Matsumoto's feet in a forced bow of death, and she has no sympathy. The ash of her sword floats around her like a deadly whip, and when she moves forward, it follows her like a god. Each footstep leaves a searing ground behind, and with her red blonde hair, Matsumoto looks like she's made of fire.

Hinamori watches and studies the scene before her with a fresh expression of wonder and respect.

She joins her at last, and the two women stand side by side, swords unsheathed and crooked smiles all around.

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There are times when Hinamori misses Granny, or she yearns for the old Toshiro instead of Captain Hitsugaya. She misses the Academy days when the only prerequisite was a desire to learn and become great. Sometimes, she feels like everyday she becomes more tired, everyday she becomes a little less new. Her sword gets too heavy, and even Captain Aizen can't make her forget.

Kira, Renji, or Hisagi are always there, a symbolic pat on the back if there ever was one, and sometimes they feel the same way, too. They are dead, but the dead are also human, and so the three of them, the dead-human-shinigami, sit together and discuss the old days. But it never works out the way it should, because the old days, the _real_ ones, happened before the Academy, and thus, they are painful. Renji doesn't talk about it, Hisagi claims he has no past, and Hinamori dwells on Hitsugaya, wondering if he dwells on her, too. Right now, it's unlikely.

There is only so far a group of male friends can go.

It tends to stop right along there.

Later in the week, Hinamori finds some free time and drowns her worries in a hot spring. And she does drown them, because there are other things to worry about, like, oh, saving every soul in existence from whiney, screaming hollows. But as much as she tries to relax it's futile, because her goddamn brain won't _shut up_. Aren't hot springs supposed to cleanse the mind and soul? Well, she has a mind, and she _is_ a soul, so what the hell? It won't be the first time she's felt ripped off.

"You can relax better if you scent your towel with lavender. Works for me every time," a voice suggests, and Hinamori nearly jumps out of her skin.

Matsumoto gives her a weird look, the nth weird look since they first met, and paddles to the opposite side of the spring after she enters.

The shock subsides into dull embarrassment, and Hinamori quickly apologizes. "Er, I'm sorry—it's just that you startled me." She racks her mind for something to say. "…Lavender?"

Matsumoto isn't really paying attention. She's back against the base of a rock, her chin pointed upward. With eyes shut, she murmurs, "…definitely…always works for me."

Their silence is possibly the most awkward span of time in existence. Each minute takes forever to pass, before finally Hinamori gives up and contemplates leaving the hot spring altogether. She starts to stand when Matsumoto asks, "So, you grew up with Captain Hitsugaya?"

Hinamori isn't sure why she's shocked. Maybe it's because someone like Matsumoto knows who she is, knows her past, which is almost flattering in a way. Hinamori sinks back into the hot spring, her lips just above the water's surface, and murmurs, "Yeah…His grandmother raised us together." She explains it in the dullest way imaginable, which is an accident, so she quickly adds, "Where did you grow up?" to spice up her boring answer.

Matsumoto takes a second to reply, lost in the relaxation of the heat. "Oh, you know, here n' there." Hinamori guesses Matsumoto doesn't like talking about it, so there's strike one. She struggles a second time to find something interesting to say, but when fighting and killing terrible monsters counts as common, 'interesting' is a lot harder to pin down.

Matsumoto stirs slightly. "How's being Captain Aizen's VC? Sounds like fun, he's a great guy."

It bursts forth like a volcano, and Hinamori can feel her inevitable Aizen-Worship rushing forward, because it seems when he's mentioned, she just can't possibly shut her mouth. It's like she has to somehow convey the extent of Aizen's magnanimity, power, and leadership in one answer, and that usually takes a minute of contemplation.

After she praises Aizen in a very long, convoluted sentence of hyperactivity, Matsumoto starts laughing. "Wow, you really love him, don't you?"

At once, Hinamori's face goes bright red. How did she dig herself into this ditch? "No, no, it's _not_ like that! I've just admired him since my Academy days, and—"

"Whoa, calm down, I was kidding!" Matsumoto interrupts with a chuckle. "You're hilarious, Hinamori."

The embarrassment rises in Hinamori's cheeks, and she goes quiet for a while. Over the last few months, Hinamori's idea of Matsumoto had switched from one of annoyance and general hatred to reluctant respect and even admiration, but right now Matsumoto is blowing it considerably.

"You know," Matsumoto starts again, and Hinamori dreads hearing what she has to say, "Captain Hitsugaya seems to hold quite a torch for you."

Hinamori chokes on nothing, and with the combined steam of the hot spring, becomes very dizzy. "W-what?"

_Hitsugaya_? At this point in time, Hinamori isn't sure Hitsugaya is capable of feeling any emotion outside typical annoyance and frustration.

Matsumoto nods. "Of course. You should see the way he looks at you, honey."

Hinamori is all but unconscious now. "At _me_? But I'm not anything! I'm not talented or quick or even remotely beautiful—"

She's trying to explain in Hinamori-language how absolutely unattractive she is, but instead it comes out jumbled and incoherent and kind of stupid-sounding. The heat really isn't helping, either.

"What? What're you talking about?" Matsumoto cuts in, the shock on her face the first unhappy emotion Hinamori's ever received from her. "Your eyes have this raw sort of emotion that just spills over. And darling, I've never seen kido skills like yours _ever_. You're very talented." She pauses, then winks. "I gotta admit, I'm a little jealous."

Hinamori's face is so red she's positive it'll never return to its pasty color again. It's too much for one sitting. Matsumoto, jealous of _her_? Is she hearing this correctly?

The situation is turning a weird shade of hilarious. Who would've thought? Hinamori sinks lower into the water, her eyes guilt-ridden and wide, and she thinks she sees a moral somewhere in there. Maybe maturity isn't about the outside; maybe it's about the ability to feel good for who you truly are. To refuse to worry about everything and everyone. In the end, confidence doesn't instigate attractiveness, it _is_ attractive. And Hinamori supposes if that's the case, then perhaps she is a little young. And that's okay.

Matsumoto is beautiful and talented, but she also lives and laughs while accepting who she is for the better. At that moment, Hinamori decides she's going to start over with a new mind set, a happier one.

She wants to apologize, to tell Matsumoto what an unjustified jerk she's been, but maybe it's her eyes that say it all.

Finally, Hinamori manages to mumble a lame thank you, and Matsumoto laughs again.

"You're a good person, Hinamori," she replies before closing her eyes again.

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So, when Hinamori looks in the mirror, she isn't tall or curvy or perfect, but then again, she never needed to be. She has eyes that characterize her entire being, and she has confidence that weaves it altogether.

Hinamori's doing just fine. After all, she's happy, and that's really what matters.

And when she sees Hitsugaya again, and he smiles at her, she never forgets to smile back.

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_Fin_

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**A/N: **Typical "grass is always greener" character-analysis story. I've never done one of these long one-shots, but I feel like a lot of girls would've felt this way toward Matsumoto. I suppose people need to realize that they should be happy with what they have; it's gonna be different for everyone, so why not?

Blah, I know the tense is screwed.

Uuh, pairings, none really, I've never cared who Hinamori ends up with. Splashes of GinRan, and also RenjiRukia if you're _really _paying attention.

Please comment! This took forever, and come on, it's about Hinamori. I never write about her! : ) Thank you very much!


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